Condomated Urge

Last week, I had a rare opportunity to peer into the minds of two typical, middle aged Filipino guys. And when guys like these gather, the topic usually oozes with something really private – their sexual lives.

In this conversation, I played a role of an innocent, antiquated, missionary-position type guy to spur these people to freely reveal what they think about the Philippine Health Bill. I accomplished this by showing awe and bewilderment for every word they said. The more “awed” I appear to these sexual gurus, the more they divulged what they believe about sex and artificial contraception.

“The Church (Roman Catholic) is really against the use of artificial contraceptives. Are you in favor of this?” I asked.

“Yeah, I agree with the Church” answered one with a poker face.

The Roman Catholic Church believes that sexual intercourse is for no other purpose than procreation. Any sexual act for any other reason than this is sin.

“You know why I hate artificial contraceptives?” he asked.

“You mean condoms?” I countered.

“Yeah, you know why?”

“Because they rob me of the pleasure” poker face sneered.

“I thought you’re going to say that it’s because sex is only for procreation” I said.

“Yeah, that too. But the reason I am against the use of condoms is because it lessens the pleasure. That’s it!” said poker face.

“Do you like your wife to be ligated?” I asked the other guy  who is a look-alike of Berting Labra.

“Definitely not!” he said.

“Why not? Don’t you like the idea of family planning?” I asked.

“Yeah, family planning is ok but if a woman is ligated, she will seek sex more often. And because I can’t possibly give it because of my age, she will definitely cheat on me.” Berting Labra answered.

I couldn’t believe my ears.

“That’s the side effect of ligation. I personally know husbands whose wives cheated on them because of the uncontrollable sexual urges as the side effect”. Berting said in a way as if stating a universal fact.

“Have you heard that the City Mayor gives P5,000 for every woman who agrees to undergo ligation?” I teased.

“That is really wrong. Remember the side effect!” poker face said.

“The City Mayor though, lowered the price down to P4,000 because it heaped the ire of the Church”. I said.

“What about vasectomy. Are you in favor of it? I teased them again.

“No, no, no, no. I will never, ever submit my precious possession to that. Never!” cried Berting Labra.

“Why not? I think it’s but fair. While we encourage women to undergo tubal ligation, we must also be willing  to undergo vasectomy. Right?” I countered.

“Yeah that may be correct. But I always considered my ability to impregnate as something sacred.”

“You mean you balls are sacred?” I asked.

“You could say that, yes.” Poker faced said.